F*** This: Linguine- my new medium

A while ago, I polled The Chronicled Voice community and asked what topics they would like to see more openly discussed. This post involves two of those topics (trigger warning for eating disorders and mental health. )

This year I became a vegetarian and started eating clean. There are several reasons why- but primarily to curb my autoimmune symptoms. These past couple days I’ve been eating like crap- still vegetarian- but crap.

This is how I chose to deal with stress from the Iran strikes combined with exhaustion from being overworked this month.

I consciously said, “Eh, Fuck it.”

I have dealt with eating disorders pretty much my entire life. It overlaps with the anxiety, depression, & OCD. I’ve been dealing with it long enough to recognize patterns be proactive about it, understand what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and what the consequences are… 

Tonight we were planning on watching the new season of The Bear- I was going make linguine with vodka sauce and black truffle burrata paired with a Sangiovese. This morning I woke up and said, “Fuck this. You know this will make you feel like crap, you know this will make your autoimmune symptoms worse, it’s not worth it.”

Now, if you have dealt with an eating disorders, or any other of the mental health issues mentioned above, you know as well as I that once dinner time comes rolling around and I’m exhausted that I’m going to be real tempted to grab that pasta. My brain will start to justify that it’s fine because we’re watching The Bear and pasta makes total sense- right? You trick yourself into continuing a bad habit.

So during my teaching break I went home and grabbed the pasta and co. and quickly turned it into a seudo work of art before tossing it- making it impossible to reach for it later while simultaneously making a bold statement to myself to get back on track.

I’ve talked with a lot of students over the years who deal or have dealt with this issue- I talked to a few very recently- and everyone is so embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it.

I wish they knew how many people were struggling with this and that they don’t need to hide or feel shame.

I also wish all the people of power or status who are hopping on the “it’s cool to be vulnerable” train would actually share something that is truly vulnerable (some of you have and you rock… others need to stop faking or get off the train because you’re making it worse). Do not underestimate the power of letting other’s know -they are not alone

-they not weird

-they are not broken

and they also have the power to use their voice!